I really wanted to play this morning. Instead, I cuddled up with my cat on the bed. Somehow, the desire to game went away. I don’t know if I was experiencing loneliness, or what, but it gave me hope. The truth is that the desire I have for Warframe is psychological. With the recent stress of life, I’ve been prone to game. Usually I opt for a small handheld console, but I did learn something.
By altering the color of my warframe from green to white, I felt a little less of a pull towards the game. I know that lights and colors can affect the brain. For instance, the light from halogen bulbs causes headaches. So why couldn’t some addicts be prone to certain colors? Favorite colors, bright colors, whatever. Mine is green. I’m not sure why. So I changed my armor from green to white, and it was a little easier to play less.
As far as reappearing, I will always be an addict. The last time I thought I was going to be free forever. Indeed I was for two years, give or take a few days. I just don’t want to neglect my family, pets, friends, and responsibilities. They need me more than a screen does. While I do have a friend that plays with me, I haven’t seen him for days. I’m wondering if this friendship is toxic, not because of his own faults, but because he enables me.
I need to try to go to an olganon meeting. There’s never really a convenient time. It’s usually at 9:30 (when E. and I talk), or I’m at work or something. When I get free again, if I get free again, I know what my ministry is: to help gamers who want to not game. I can’t help them much right now, but I hope that changes, and what that means now is minimizing my play and its effects until I can attain sobriety. It shouldn’t be this hard, but it is. I’ve only had it this bad once before, and I made a commitment not to game, for the sake of my animals.
Maybe it’s time to refocus, get help, and try again. I’ve played a lot less than usual today, although that’s still not amazing. I’m functional, but I want better than functional. Am I ready to give it up? I don’t know, but I pray that I will be wise, and have a spirit of power, love ,and sound mind/self control.
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Update: Deleted Warframe. Back in recovery. Praise Jesus!